Please help. Advice need on very sad situation

[fruitbat]

Hi,

I have looked after a 19 month old one day a week to give mum some time to do shopping and appointments, etc for just over a year. Dad rang me yesterday and told me mum had died the day before. I only know them through looking after their LO but spent a lot of the day crying for them all. I want to help and have offered to look after their LO if dad needs some time. Is there anything else I could do? Until now she has been the main carer as he worked long hours and I know they don’t have any family to help him.

Has anyone else experienced this or can you offer me any advice?

Thanks

A very sad fruitbat

[tasha]

That must have come as quite a shock to all involved...my sympathies. All you can do is offer your services. If you want to do a bit extra you could cook some meals & put them in tubs & freeze them, drop them over so their freezer is stocked as it where...so Dad has healthy meals for both him & LO on tap. He's not likely to have the time or inclanation to cook!
Tasha

[carolinel]

omg that is absolutely awful. How sad.

Sorry I can't offer any advice. I think you've offered all you can.

How did Mum die? I won't be able to stop thinking about this now.

[allinatiz]

Oh my, how awful. My heart goes out to the family (and you!). I think it's lovely of you to offer to look after the little one but I have no idea what I would do in that situation

[fruitbat]

Thanks for your comments,

Tasha - I'd wondered about cooking some meals but didn't know if I'd be overstepping the mark as a childminder. I think I'll offer.

Carolinel - Mum died in her sleep. They don't know the reason why yet. And yes I can't stop thinking about it - unless I keep really busy. I keep thinking how sad that their lo will grow up never remembering mum.

fruitbat

[miffy]

That's really sad - it must have come as quite a shock to you

I don't think you can do any more than you've already offered

Don't worry if dad doesn't take you up on your offer to help immediately - he probably needs some time to himself

Miffy x

[tasha]

In my experience if you offer they say no...just turn up ...hand the tubs over & say "for the freezer"...that's it. I have always (normally years later) been told that doing that made life easier at the time...it's always the little things! I don't think being thoughtful/kind is over stepping the mark at all.
Tasha

[sarahnev707]

Tasha is right - when you need help the most is when you're least likely to accept it or reach out for it, as you're not thinking straight

Say 'when do you need me to care for child?' or 'I will come and collect her for a couple of hours on Tuesday is that ok?' or 'how much of the funeral day should I have child for?' or 'I'll come and get her at 10, we'll be out til 3, come any time after that to collect' not.. 'ring me if you need me' - he won't!

Sarahx

[ajs]

oh my god that is so sad

tasha is right though, nothing you can do to help will really be overstepping the mark, he is probably in shock and just feeding the lo will take all his energy so as tasha says offering to look after him and supplying food for them will probably be much needed help,
he may not want to let lo go for a bit may need to keep him close, but just be there for them don't go over the top just tell him that if he needs anything day or night just to call, he probably won't but making the offer will mean so much to him.

[lorri]

Oh my goodness, this is so sad.

I think that it's lovely of you to support the family like this.

You should do whatever feels natural to you to do and that will be right.

I hope that you are okay as you obviously knew the mother to some degree through your job.

Take care

Lorri x

[angeldelight]

That is really terrible how very sad for everyone

I think everyone gave you really good advice

I think you are being really kind and offering all you can already

That must have been really awful for the husband if he was the one who went to wake her up

I will not be able to stop thinking about this either how very very sad

Hope you are ok Fruitbar you must be in deep shock yourself
Hope you are ok

My thoughts are with you all

Hugs

Angel xx

[charleyfarley]

What a shock.

It's just so devastating for everyone, the family and you.

I felt like crying as I read it, it is so awful.

As others have said if you offer the family probably won't take you up on the offer so tell them you will have the lo, do the meals if you want.

Thinking of you too as well as the family.

Take care

Carol xx

[fruitbat]

Thank you for all your comments and advice.

I now have various bits defrosting so that I can start cooking tomorrow. And when I take it round, I'll try to sort out when I can look after his LO. I normally look after LO today and understandably didn't but I do think he will need a few hours without his LO at some point soon.

Doing something positive will also help me rather than just feeling sad.

Fruitbat

[smartimartie]

This last 12 months I have lost 3 friends. One to cancer (aged 40) - a battle of 12 months ish. and two who were both 38 - passed away without warning of heart attacks. My last friend (Geraldine) left 4 children youngest of which is 17 months. These children are now minded.

I tell you this not because I'm morbid but because this last year has really made me appreciate my loved ones...

It has made me contact old friends and reminded me how precious life can be!

I have lots of training notes and 'stuff' on how children cope with bereavement. Sure you'll all have the same but if not pm me and I'll send through what I have.

[angeldelight]

All the best fruitbar

We are all thinking of you

Let us know how you and the little one are

Angel xx

[vik3000]

How very sad and what a shock.

I'm sorry I have no advice or words to offer, I think what has been written here is sound as it is.

My love and thoughts to you and how lovely of you to want to help.

xx

[jules]

How awful and such a shock.

I agree with what has been said. Just take food round to the house and tell him to put it in the freezer.

He will need time with the baby, if only to arrange funeral and such like, so I would offer to have the babe for him to be able to make phone calls etc in peace.

Our thoughts are with him and you.

Jules

[helenlouise]

Hi Fruitbat
Thats really sad, the poor children.
I think just being there for childcare if needed and helping out with meals is a great idea and would be appreciated.
Hope you are feeling o.k too.
Helen.

[fruitbat]

Hi,

I've been busy cooking today and delivered several meals. And I tried to get dad to agree to me looking after his LO but without much success. Guess I can't do anything more now but will phone him next week if I haven't heard from him.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and comments.

Fruitbat

[cheryl1]

That is sooooo sad x

Will be thinking of you x


Cherylx

[lorri]

Hi Fruitbat

I guess that the dad is probably clinging onto his LO at the moment as he's a very strong connection to the mum and he's probably the one keeping him going in a way. Maybe he doesn't want to have time to break down at the moment if you see what I mean.

At least he knows that you are there for him when he needs you.

You're obviously a very lovely person to care so much about them and he's very lucky to have you.

Lorri x

[mel]

Here here. I am sure he will contact you soon. I can't imagine how difficult the situation must be. Thinking of you x

Mel x

[jmoff]

Oh my that's terrible!How sad!

Jana x

[banana]

This is very sad,

sorry i have not been around to answer it.

I think the advice you have had and the fact that you have made some meals and offered to care for the child is really all you can do other than letting the family know you are there if you need them.

I am very sorry you are having to deal with this sort of situation. It must be heartbreaking for eveyone.

Thinking of you and my thoughts are with the family

xxxx

[niecynoo]

How awful Fruitbat hope your ok. your doing al u can

Smartimartie my sympathies to you, i have had similiar experiences and it does make you appreciate what you have


Denise xxx

[monkey1]

Oh fruitbat, i have spent the past ten minutes crying. I have been through this too and it brought it all back! My little mindee's mum died in february when he was just thirteen months old. Have pmd you honey,
Monkey

[smartimartie]

Hi,

Thanks to those that contacted me. PM'd some of you back.

I have lots of training notes, however, the best site I have come across that does contain everything I have but in a slightly different format is

www.childbereavement.org.uk

If you go into the resourses section it gives you a selection of books. My personal favourite is Badgers Parting Gifts. Not on their list is a book called

Michael Rosen's SAD BOOK. isbn 0-7445-9898-2

He wrote this book after his son died. You need a box of tissues the first time you read it. Read it first to prepare for the emotional response you will have to it!!

Go to their articles and leaflets which are free to down load.
Especially, Understanding Bereaved Children and Young People (PDF: 717Kb) Last but one.


I really think that you will get everything you need from the above site.

Best wishes.

Smartimartie